Tuesday, November 27, 2007

changing of the seasons

Fall is quite possibly my favorite season. So is Spring. Really, the transitions from one extreme (Winter and Summer) to something different is appealing to me. Having moved every two to three years growing up, transition and change is welcome and positive.

This Fall brings many changes in my life - some good, some painful. I keep working on my personal life, my integrity, my needs. In the end, we all have just this one life. We have to live it in a way that reduces suffering and pain for ourselves We work towards what we want, what we need, what brings us peace and fulfillment. Some people refer to this attitude as selfish - I happen to call it self-aware. Self-aware or even self-centeredness is not a negative in my book - you are not taking from others in a way that robs them of their own identity and needs, but you are looking at yourself honestly and asking for what you need. To me, selfish and self-centered are polar opposites. Aren't we, as humans with egos, all self-centered?

Moving forward, I see hope and pain. Both of these are easy to feel in life. For too long, nearly all of my adult life, I've felt somewhat hopeless and stuck. I've dealt with a mental illness that crippled me and my relationships. I've been dishonest with myself about who I am. I have let myself down repeatedly when I don't ask for what I need.

We are all stronger than this. Digging deep inside, we must find that place that looks towards what we need to fulfill this time on earth. We don't get a second chance - and in the end, I want to look back and feel that I have been honest, have worked for good, lessened my judgment of others and felt true to my heart. I want this of those I love, too.

So emotional, this post. No ranting today about the state of obstetrics in our country...just a need to put it out there that midwives, like all care providers, deal with the same issues everyone else does. We all carry our own baggage, our own life experiences that affect us in deep ways.

Moving forward, just like the seasons, I am grateful for change and look to the benefits and growth that it always provides.